Because people will of course be looking at LawnPorn just to read the articles, here is where I'm at. I have a few more ideas for subjects but wanted to get a sense what people think.
Dirty Thatchers
Welcome to another issue of Lawnscaping. I wanted to take a moment to talk about thatch, thatchers and thatching.
This is a term that’s not used everyday but here at Lawnscaping we believe in keeping things classy. Thatch is found directly below your grass line. It is the accumulation of grass trimmings, roots and debris. Thatch is both beneficial and harmful to your lawn. It can protect infant grass, but smother adult blades.
A thatcher is someone who works with the thatch. Removes it when needed, spreads it to where it needs to go. So why am I bringing the word back into our everyday vocabulary, aside from being essential to lawn care? Because it’s a delicious word that I think describes everyone who picked up this magazine.
There’s something dirty about thatch. It hides in the shadows. It can be warm or cool. Slightly dangerous yet a comforting blanket when you need it. We think that that sums up Lawnscaping perfectly. Enjoy the issue, and appreciate some thatch.
Your Naked Lawn.
You’ve been a dirty lawn, a dirty, dirty lawn. Some believers say that plants respond to the energy around them. That soothing positive praises will positively affect a plants growth. But who wants a peaceful, fat and lazy plant? You want a sweet succulent sultry lawn. A lawn should be the veritable jezebel of the plant world, spreading its seed to every bare spot around it. Other lawns may call it a “whore” but that’s okay. The other lawns are just jealous.
At LawnScapping we are putting this to the test, on our personal lawn. If plants do respond to energy, you want to send the most provocative sensuous energy possible into your yard. Your lawn likes it when you talk dirty. We are going to ease into this experiment. There were some funny looks from the neighbors when we moved speakers outside and directed them downwards. Neighbors be damned, the lawn comes first.
The beginning of the experiment started well enough. Without getting to risqué the staff started sending seductive energy out into the grass, whispering:
“It drives me crazy when you look like you do.”
“You’re so damn sexy.”
“I can’t wait to mow you.”
Results were mixed. Overall the lawn seemed to react as though it was a prude, with the only exception being the patches right under the speakers, but they could have just been receiving more shade. So in the next few weeks tactics were ampified and things steamed up.
Taking cues from certain *Cough* videos that had been watched, for research purposes only, the dirty talk escalated. The difficulty with talking to a plant is that there is no back and forth, aside from the occasional bend in the wind. So unsure of what my lawn wanted to hear everyone here just went at it with a barrage of dirty come-ons.
“You like getting rough don’t you? I’ll go get the rake.”
“I’m going to make you so moist with my hose.”
“You’re gonna get aerated because you’re a naughty lawn.”
In conclusion, the speakers were taken down. The results were too mixed to determine what exactly was working and the neighborhood petition against us was starting to reach a high number – no one had any idea that there were even that many people living in the area. When it gets down to it the sweet nothings whispered to your lawn should be kept private. If it already looks sexy to you, that’s what’s important.
Your Lawndrobe
What to wear when you’re getting dirty. Is the jeans and dirty shirt always the right choice when you are working on your yard? Like anything else in lawn care it all depends on the situation. The “I don’t care clothes” have come into lawn fashion because people don’t want to sully their date night attire. This isn’t the only option, that changing your yard work wardrobe can lead to pleasing results.
“Why should I dress up to work in the lawn?” The simple answer is that you already dress up without concern of sullying your clothes when you do other things: go clubbing, out to bars, to sporting games; why should lawn care be any different? Sometimes a stain, a tear, or a fray can be a badge, reminding you of a good time. Some of the best times I have had are working in my lawn, I would much rather have memories of that, than having a beer spilled on me while listening to bad club music.
While you are out tilling, other people are looking. Unless you have built a ten-foot wall around your property, which is something I actually recommend but I will save that for another article, you are going to have lookie-loos. If you’re reading this, it’s safe to say that your lawn is going to be looking so good that people are going to stop and take notice. Do you really want them to catch you in that ancient Garfield t-shirt with the hole at nipple level, and a pair of cutoffs?
So what should you wear? Mix it up. Denim is great, and sometimes the right pair of jeans can be the perfect look for you. However don’t forget about other fabrics. A nice tweed coat in the fall when raking gives the appearance that you are a professor who, in between teaching the youths of the world, finds the time to make his lawn look good. A tuxedo might be too much but a tuxedo shirt says that you have a sense of humor. When it gets cold, think about jackets. A nice leather Indiana jones style jacket shows how adventurous you can be.
Don’t forget about accessories. Hats, boots, belts; all can really bring your lawndrobe together. Accessories really show where you come from. A cowboy hat says that you know what cows look like, but would probably be inappropriate if you are living in a city mowing a community garden. The belt buckle is a great addition to show your personality. Are you a, “I like beer” or a, “Fun starts here” kind of man? And lastly, a moment on overalls.
These are my one rule breaker because they do fall into the un-caring jeans and shirt category, however they are so much more. Why are they different? Because they’re a pair of jeans and a shirt in one. These are not for the lawn amateur. You can’t just jump into a pair and expect to not look ridiculous. Overalls show your ultimate devotion to your lawn. The uniform of mowers everywhere. But if you don’t have the lawn to match the outfit you are just going to look ridiculous.
Start easily, try tucking your shirt into your pants while working outside. If this goes unnoticed take things up a level and start wearing denim on denim with a pair of jeans and a matching denim jacket. If no one has scoffed you may be in a good position to finally step up to the big leagues. Get yourself a good pair and start working. No more taking the time to put on a shirt and pants, the time you save just gets you out into your lawn quicker.
With a little work you will be the envy of your neighbors every time you step out into your yard. Truthfully your lawn already should be making your neighbors feel a little jealous. Your outfit shouldn’t outshine your lawn but should compliment it, keep this in mind and you will do just fine.
Advice with Bunny Flowers
Aren’t my flowers so pretty? Aren’t those bunnies so cute? Get your head out of the clouds those flowers are growing like weeds and those bunnies are eating your seedlings. I’m Bunny Flowers and this is my advice about bunnies and flowers.
Firstly flowers should be the frame to your lawn. Think of your lawn as an immaculate painting, something that’s intricate and timeless. Now you don’t want to go messing that up by having a bunch of neon clashing colors poking up everywhere. When it comes to flowers a little goes a long way. Pick a color and stick with it.
While we are at it, flowers aren’t all that functional. Girls do like the occasional posy but outside of that they don’t do much good. The space that flowers take up could be better used by planting vegetables, fruit, or wait for it fragrant plants to repel pests. Think about mint, garlic, or sage.
Talking about repelling pests, bunnies are the cutest hell beast there is. The little bunchy tail and squished up nose, those watery eyes, so soft, just want to squeeze…No, stop it. Get that cuteness out of your head. Rabbits are pests, adorable pests, but nothing adorable about a barren lawn. They will eat everything that your lawn has to offer and guess what - they mate like rabbits even if you get rid of one another is probably going to take it’s place.
What do you do about this flop-eared hydra that threatens your yard? Having a bigger pet often helps. Dogs and cats don’t get a long with rabbits outside of cute internet videos, so let them put in some work and patrol your lawn keeping rabbits away. The bigger the pet the better protection for your lawn, but be careful with this. You really don’t want to have to worry about convincing a ten-foot python that your lawn isn’t for him either.
Hopefully some of you will take my advice and will not face total lawn destruction. Stay vigilant friends.
Dear Oh Deer
In the last few weeks we have received many calls on the show regarding other types of deer and I think I need to clear some issues up. I am a North American White Tailed Deer and proud of it. I have been called a deercist before, but I think what people don’t understand is that the differences between deer is quite different from the differences between people.
Take for example the Moose. The mongoloid of our species. Mooses, Moosi, I don’t even know what the plural for moose is. Female moose are called cows, seriously you have something that’s technically a deer that’s called a cow, that looks like a freak. They have furry curved antlers, what good will those ever do? It’s like putting stuffed animals in a cannon whats the point?
On the other end of the scale the Púdu is known as the worlds smallest deer. These things only get to be 17 inches tall. They are in danger of loosing their natural habitat, which makes sense because they are too short to defend themselves. Let’s face it given their size they are going to be turned into a house pet if they aren’t careful.
Chinese water deer, I know I have made mention of Reindeer being a little backwards, but these deer take it to a different level. Instead of having a proper rack of antlers, water deer grow fangs. Seriously fangs. Large tusks jutting from their mouths have resulted in them being known as vampire deer. However these posers never let on the truth, that the only vampire deer known was staked years ago back in the mid seventies.
Deercism is a problem and I want to assure you that I judge people on their personality first and foremost. Take my cousin Jeremy, he’s a Jackalope. My Uncle got drunk one thing led to another and he’s married to a rabbit in Vegas. However the two are still together, so good things can come from mistakes. Now a rabbit-deer hybrid may be scoffed at, but I assure you I only have problems with Jeremy because his new wave hippy ideals led him to tearing up his lawn replacing it with a rock garden. What a disgrace.
The grass next door.
Taming naughty Saint Augustine. The one that’s the most difficult to tame is the one that we are all attracted to. People seem to be masochists in their need to make their lives difficult. Whether it’s the dirty girl, or the man with the shady past, danger and turmoil seem to be the most attractive qualities. Our lawns are no different.
Saint Augustine is the impossible to catch Unicorn of the grass world. Grown naturally in tropical climates this thick shag-carpet like grass is the envy of anyone with a yard. So thick that it becomes a turf crowding out all weeds.
Augustine has a very temperamental personality. Not liking extended periods of shade, St. Augustine works best in southern climates. You are also going to need soil high in acidity and alkaline. Constant fertilizing and protection from pests, this is not a maintenance free grass, but your efforts will be worth it.
Only the persistent and lucky will be able to tame St. Augustine, but those that do will be rewarded with a lawn so lush it could be watered with your neighbors will drool.
Seed or Sod
Cats or dogs, vanilla or chocolate, seed or sod. The long debate as old as lawn care itself. There are grassboys on both sides of this argument, each praising their side while condemning the other.
Seeding is the natural way to fill out your lawn. Planting a seed in soil is the way that nature intended lawns to be grown. Sodding is unnatural. Leaving rolled up sod out makes it at risk to dehydration, fragile roots, and bent blades.
Sodding is the only way to start a lawn in the modern world. Leave the seed growing to professionals all you need to do is roll it out. Seeding is for old timers with too much time on their hands. Throwing seeds around your yard, you might as well just start a buffet for birds.
Whichever you decide, it’s all grass. The important thing is that your lawn looks good. Remember, seed, sod, at least it’s not Astro Turf.
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