Wanted to get some feedback, especially on the ambient voice over bit. It runs really close to 30 seconds when spoken at a normal pace, I don't know if adding an accent will change that.
AMBIENT:
Play at Dusk:
Your night might be coming to a close, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop playing. Play at Dusk is a virtual football game that takes the thrill out of the pitch and brings it to the streets. Located outside of select bars, nightclubs, and cafes as people leave and walk into the dark they will be surprised to find that their city has been turned into a field letting anyone join in on a match. Responding to movement the light ball acts as a real football would. You now can warm up your social life by playing a pickup game with your friends.
APPLICATION:
Social Penalty:
Social Penalty is a Facebook application where you give red and yellow cards for various social faux-pas. The next time a friend commits a heinous act of social ineptitude you get to give them a penalty flag. There is a list of pre-determined transgressions ranging in severity everything from a bad haircut to skimping on a bill. This lets you keep your friends social lives in check.
Here are suggested edits:
ReplyDeleteAMBIENT:
Play at Dusk:
Your night might be coming to a close, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop playing. Play at Dusk is a virtual football game that takes the thrill off the pitch and into the streets. Located outside of select bars, nightclubs, and cafes, the night crowd are surprised to find that their city has turned into a field—and anyone can join a match. Responding to movement, the light ball acts as a real football would. You now can warm up your social life by playing a pickup game with friends.
APPLICATION:
Social Penalty:
Social Penalty is a Facebook application where you give red and yellow cards for various social faux-pas. The next time a friend commits a heinous act of social ineptitude you can give them a penalty flag. There's a list of pre-determined transgressions ranging in severity—everything from a bad haircut to skimping on a bill. So you can keep your friends social lives in check.
A couple comments didn't make it in:
ReplyDelete- change 'playing' before 'play at dusk' in first one.
- 'night' crowd is just a suggestion -- you need to think of a monicker for these folks.
Oh, and change:
ReplyDeleteYou now can warm up your social life by playing a pickup game with friends.
to
Now you can warm up your social life by playing a pickup game with friends.